This winter was a really hard one for me. I had to fight myself every day to get out of bed and do what I was supposed to do. Even though, I tried to smile to the world and pretend that everything is alright, it was not - I felt so unhappy that it was hard to breathe. Not everything but most of the bad things that were happening to me were related to my studies: I have never imagined that it could be so hard to study, that it could do such terrible things to my health. During my winter exam session I used to spontaniously throw up every other day, when I studied too much my nose would start to bleed and it happened several times during the day. I didn't want to wake up in the morning and I would cry myself to sleep every night. For the first time in my life I had such a big nervous breakdown that I had to take some serious sedative drugs. And in the end realizing that it was all for nothing, that even though I studied day and night, I passed my exams in normal, average grades which are not good enough for me to become what I one day would want to become and the only way to do what I want would be for me to leave all my friends and family after 4 years and go to study abroad or become something I don't want to become but stay here... It was a hard winter, a really, really hard one, but I survived and I've got a new set of determination to work harder than ever and not to give up and maybe... maybe it will be possible to make up for my failure and make it alright. Well, I'm really better now, but when it was still winter and when I would feel that a new panic attack is around the corner I used to have these visions or I used to dream it at night - I would see myself standing in a green forrest, I would hear birds singing, the wind blowing in the tree branches and the water of a lake or of a small river flowing. The forrest would be so calm and green, I clould almost smell the scent of the moss on the trees. This vision would really calm me down for a while, but also I would feel a desire to not only imagine but feel, see and smell it in real life. I really miss green woods during wintertime and today was the first time after the whole winter when me and my dad went fishing and I got to explore a beautiful green forrest - it smelled even better than I remembered.
Thank you for staying with me